never ending...

views: a tool He uses (just one of them) to get us to stop. and see. 

I have to laugh at myself sometimes, actually often because those of you who know me, know that Nicole blunders are part of the package, daily ;) Anyway this time I have to giggle at the serious streek I find myself in at present. Life seems to be teaching me alot lately and appropriately (as only a german/south african damsel knows how) I have to respond by writing and making 'life lessons' out of these daily discoveries. Guess thats the nature of this blog. Guess thats a unavoidable side of me. This particualr reflection was written on a Monday night two weeks ago. A realisation of the dependency on God that doesn't come naturally...

Monday

I started good intentions, well meaning 

I knew in my mind the layout of my day 

and rehearsed the words of last nights wisdom in my head.

"Focus on God, Rest in Him, Die in Him.

Lord today I trust in You, please guide me."

But words of knowledge are empty drums to His ears.

He knows our well polished words too well, 

and waits in patient still love for the day to start,

all the while knowing that our 'right mindsets' and perfect words

won't be enough for the day ahead.

And so the rush begins, 

I read a verse to sweep the days floor clean and then begin the daily drill:

Messages, the daily skim over schedule, friendly greetings and smiles are the norm. 

Quick hugs, empty of feeling and deep conversations 5 minutes later forgotten.

Then, a thought I've long fought in my mind,

It finds me weak and unprepared on the battle field, when least expected.

As as though I've never learnt before, I fall into the old trap

and fight armourless and unaccompanied

on my own.

Tire comes easily, 

And the thought takes over my mind

Before I realise I'm self consumed 

and the thought has me puzzled and dazed

my identity feels lost in between

And still He sits

All knowing and strong

Armoured and capable in every area I am not.

Unphased by my proud and self-seeking will,

He sits with me

He walks with me

He leads me through the corridors of busy-ness

He stretches out to help

He even whispers words of love and encouragement when I need it the most.

But,  all of who He is

All that He does 

Every act of reaching out and guiding me 

is passed and mislooked,

because my ears are deafened by todays problems,

my eyes are blinded by todays tasks, 

my hands are filled with 'urgent' work

and my heart worried about life's incompleteness, 

the things I don't understand?

Yet, He still whispers, 

He still guides,

He still speaks, 

He still breaths peace into my heart

still.

I carry the day on my own

Ploughing hard 

because in this state of mind "My God needs me to"

Unaware of His capable strength, love

and the availability of it now.

And still He pursues and presses on, 

with eyes, ears, heart only for me.

Determined that maybe in the next person, 

the second flower passed, 

the next conversation, 

I will hear the love and grace He pours over me.

That I will see Him for who He is.

Strong in my weakness.

And so it is, that in the last hour of the day, 

before I lie tired head to rest

I find Him, 

As silent and talkative as He was the whole day

But this time my mind has time to hear Him, and the stillness of the night, 

the dark night sky, is room enough for me to hear, see and understand.

And now I listen

a whole Monday

A whole day of life late,

yet a whole hour early before tuesday

Under the quiet breathing night view, 

inbetween the still evening sounds

I see clearly again,

Not on my own but through the eyes, ears and heart He plants back into my tired soul.

In a minute of rest I understand the love with which He draws me near

And know again, without fear, 

that in Him alone can I walk

Lord, don't stop your dance with me

Lead me again with Love and strength

Today begins in tonights surrender 

in grace

everyday

over and over

I find the way.